Results 2.2

Wee! Finally i'm done with my a-levels like for real. Got my final results and i got straight A's. =)) Not so awesome though, since there were many with straight a*'s. But i'm still happy with my results. So yea,Thank you everyone. XD

Familiar

Something i found from the internet. Sounds very familiar to me. don't know why. 


You wanted to know the worst about me, the things I told no one and hid below the surface. How do I explain it? How do I explain who I am when I am not even sure of it myself? How do I put into words the worst parts of me that I have run from for so long? I will tell you my secrets, I will tell you everything. Maybe it will help me. Maybe you will hate me for it or maybe you will understand. I don't know, but I am sick of running. So here it is, I will give you what you want.

I hate you. That is not true, but sometimes I think it is. I will not answer the phone when you call, even though I want to talk to you. I will not call you, even though it is all I want to do. I will not reach out to you, even though every part of me wants to. I will be mad at you, I will want to hurt you, I will drive you away because I am afraid to let you closer. I need your constant attention, your reassurances, but I will greet them with cold indifference. I will be jealous of the attention you give others, and I will get mad at you for ignoring me. I will feel close to you and care for you one day, only to be mad and want you out of my life the next.

I am an emotional amnesiac, maybe I always have been. I take each event, each day, each conversation as a seperate event, always looking for signs that you might hurt me. When I feel neglected, I will get mad and forget that the day before you told me how much you cared. I am an inconsistent mess. There is a part of me who is happy and confident and another part that is insecure and needy. These days, I never know which one it will be. Every time I think I am in control, that I know you care and I feel comfortable with our relationship, the fear and doubt will come back. Maybe with time it will go away completely, but doubt it. All it will take is another close relationship, another new friend, another day and it will be back.

You ask what you can do and I do not know what to say. The needy part of me wants your constant attention, it needs your words and thoughts, yourpresence. But I know that is not the answer, I must accept the limitations on our relationship. The scared part of me wants you out of my life because it would be easier. The hateful part of me wants to hurt you because it thinks you have hurt me. All I can ask you to do is to understand, to not give up. I will ignore you at times, I may be rude to you, I may try to hurt you. I may hide from you and wait for you to reach out to me, so I know you will care. It is not fair to do these things, but I will. I cannot ask you to put up with this, it is not fair and no matter how I act, I care too much to put you through this. But you asked, and this is all I have to tell you.

I do not like this. I do not like that I am needy and clinging. I do not like that I hurt people. I do not like that I am rude and sarcastic to those around me. I do not like this part of myself. For years, I have ignored this and pretended it was me, but I have realized that is wrong. This is not me, it is a false identity created to protect me from the world. This was not an easy realization, and perhaps I haven't fully accepted it yet. But I have found my path, I have realized I can change and I can accept this side of me and keep it from becoming who I am. It will not be easy and it will not be quick, but I have faith that I can do it. Perhaps one day I will see me as the person you see behind my defenses, and perhaps one day I will let others see that person as well.

This is for you, but you are many people. You are the people close to me now. You are the people I want to be close to even though I have kept you away. You are the friends I have pushed away in the past, the friends I never forgave and never let back in my life, the friends I never had the chance to tell this to. You are the people I will meet in the future, the people I will care about until once again I push them out of my life. You are the part of me that is still trying to understand who I am. You are all of these people and many more.

source: http://everything2.com/title/I+hate+you.+Please+don%2527t+leave+me.

Oh btw, i'm done with my alevel in UCSI University. =) 

Nothing wrong in homosexuality

People always say gays are against the nature. Have you ever thought that human beings travelling on air, are AGAINST the nature too? Humans are supposed to walk. Then why are we using cars and worser airplanes to travel? Isn't it against the nature? What about breast implants? What about antibiotics? What about cloning? The point is there are many things that we do in the name of "modernization" which is against the nature. But, we don't condemn it because EVERYONE is doing it.

Human being decides what they think is natural

Who told that homosexuality is wrong and against the nature? The same person who told that that the world is the centre of universe? Remember the Galileo Galilei story? It's us who decide what is wrong and what is right. When everyone started doing and accepting the "wrong" thing, it becomes right. We just follow the majority then we decide what is wrong and what is right.

To all the homophobic jerks out there, do you seriously think Gay people CHOOSE to be this way? Do you think they like to be scared of their life, pretending to be happy, hiding their crush to others on fear? Do you think that they chose this life which is full of discrimination and hatred by community? It's not their choice. Many of gays have realized that they are like that since young.

Have you "tried" with girls?

The thing is IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS whether they are gay or straight. You may ask them how do they know they are gay when they never "tried" things with girls. Let me ask you, how do you know you are straight without trying "things" with guys? Sounds ridiculous right? Let me ask you again, did you choose to be straight? No? Then why the hell on earth you believe that gay people CHOOSE to be gay?

Gay people have choices, yes they do. You know whats the choice they have? To hide the real them, and wear a mask to be accepted by the community. Why when there is a handsome celebrity who admitted he is gay, people can accept it, but when someone in our country do the same thing, we can't accept it? Do you know how much pain they go through in their life especially in their teenage life when they have crush on someone but have to suppress their feelings in fear of rejection by everyone?

It's not easy being gay

It's not easy being gay. "So, don't be gay". As i said, it's not a choice. It was never a choice and now when people are finally coming out and being brave for who they are, why giving them death threats? 

Being gay or straight is our wish. Whatever we do in the PRIVACY OF OUR BEDROOM is OUR WISH. In Malaysia, straight people hugging and kissing in public is also considered disgusting. So, tell the gay peoples not to do the same. I CAN BE SURE, 99% of gay people never did any public stunt. Then, what's the big deal of people loving each other regardless of gender when they are alone? 

They are the same person

Coming out of closet for most gay people is not something they do for fun. It's a relieving thing for them. Battling with themselves for many years and finally they believe what they choose is right, and they come out. And then people reject them. If you're really a good friend you would know that the gay person is THE SAME PERSON YOU KNEW FOR SUCH A LONG TIME except that now you know about his/her sexuality. 

Eww, gay guys can never be friends with straight guys

Just because they are gay, DOESN'T mean they will get attracted to every single guy they see. The same way straight people does not get attracted to every single girl they see. Right? unless if you're pervert.  And if any gay confessed to you about their feelings and you're straight, just refuse them politely as they would have thought about it for months and finally asked you. it's scary for them more than it is for you. 

Gays are disgusting because of their sexual acts. 

Do you think only gays have anal sex? Straight couples also engage in anal sex. And some of gay couples DON'T EVEN HAVE ANAL SEX. Even if they do, they are penetrating their partner's ass. NOT YOURS. so, what's the big deal? If they are raping you, then you can go around and make a big issue out of it. But when two gay people are showing their love to each other in THEIR BEDROOM, then what's the big issue?

So, don't be homophobic. No one is asking you to accept them. But just treat them like a normal being. You don't have to care about their interest. It's their wish, it's their way. They have to go through another long process of telling the truth to their family. It's another huge challenge. So, as a friend you could at least lift off the small burden of coming out to you guys. If you really know the person for such a long time, you would know and you would understand it was never his/ her choice. 

So, i'm calling all the Malaysians to join in the group hug of love, acceptance, and confession.  

This post is as a response to the death threats received by Azwan Ismail for coming out in youtube. The officials told the anti gay associations to be more active in mentally killing the gay community but none of them spoke against the death threats thrown at him. We hold protests if a rapist or whatever get killed in the prison, but we support death threats thrown at a gay man. How ridiculous. 

Visit them

http://www.seksualitimerdeka.org/

http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/comingoutadvice/a/Causes.htm

and please watch this educational video. 

Smile

=)

Finished!

Haha. Try pronouncing my title as "phinished" like my baby niece will say. LOL. Btw, i phinished my alevels. So, now just waiting for my january exam! must study very hard for one month!!!! And i will be home for one month, without any worries and disappointments and loneliness. =) That's all i guess.

Not me

I didn't abandon this blog. It's just that, i think my feelings right now, and my everyday story at this moment is not supposed to be made public. even if it did, it's going to make more damage than any good. so, i'm just refraining myself from posting anything. sometimes i post something very long, just to delete it in a matter of time. so yea. Happy Diwali.

So Long, good bye.

Almost a month didn't blog. Well nothing much to say actually. Many things happened. A lot of things happened, which i have written in my personal blog.
it's just that i don't have to put up with being taken for granted when i give lots of care. Why should i care when no one else does? I have my own dignity. When i show lots of care, i expect the same from others. thats common sense.

Other than that, life's good. normal.

Later,
Mesh